My Autoimmune Life

I mentioned in my last post that I was going on bedrest. This has proven to be a very good decision, as I am actually able to move around some without cramps again, the spotting hasn’t happened since … it was either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning that I last had any sign of it, the cramps are a lot less painful, though they do still show up no matter what I’m doing, and they are much less frequent. I do still get groups of cramps … sometimes an hour or two of cramping, after which they go back away on their own. I think we will continue this way of handling things, I’ve also managed to get my pain med usage down A LOT! I think the physical therapy and stretches (the ones that I’m still doing, my nurse, PT and I agreed there are a couple that I shouldn’t be doing) are helping with my pain too, as are the back massages from my therapist and from Johnny. Things are definitely better now… I can even sit at my PC for awhile again, since baby doesn’t like the laptop (even with it lower on my thighs and nowhere near my belly s/he gets more active when I use it… and I’ve been able to help with small amounts of laundry and dishes, as long as I listen to my body and don’t overdo it, and I do it at times where I’m not cramping. Over all I spend a lot of time napping, sleeping, or laying on the couch watching things.
The best news…. Littlest is still very active… and becoming more so!

So…. Johnny and I had an appointment to go to this afternoon, and I (stupidly, but I know my freedom to drive is going to be restricted before too much longer even without bedrest, so I am driving as much as I can) drove us there. I was fine on the way there, I was fine in the waiting room beforehand, I was fine during the appointment, I started having some mild discomfort after while we were waiting to talk to the financial lady, so I left my contact into and a message for her and we got out of there. About… 1/3 or 1/2 of the way home I started having more and more pain. No discharge thankfully, but definite pains that were getting stronger… though they were still having all sorts of different timing in between, completely irregular in that way. So it was a mix of actual preterm labor signs and false labor signs. I ended up with 3 fingers on each hand numb from how I was clenching my hands, and I’m sure I made Johnny’s hand uncomfortable at the very least, as I was holding onto it with one hand. The good thing is once I got back home and got onto the couch (I’ve only gotten up to pee since, this is a few hours ago now) the bad cramps cleared up. Still having pain, but nothing major like I had been having, just some discomfort and really minor cramping.
Johnny and I were talking about this a bit ago and both agree it’s pretty likely I’m goign to be officially put on some type of bedrest pretty soon… which is not something I’m looking forward to yet, but I’m also not getting too upset about it at this point… well… trying not to anyway… there are definitely emotions there, but I’m trying to keep them in check for now.

Having false labor now at 20 weeks. So far no true labor signs, and am now spending my time on the couch (with lots of pillows and the laptop). Won’t be around much on twitter (and I’d just started getting more into it again too!), though I’ll be on other places when I’ve got the laptop on (facebook, blogfrog, not sure what else)… I just don’t like web based twitter, and so far haven’t found something I like that can be used on Linux to be able to run twitter outside the browser. I’ll also be checking my emails throughout the day, so you can reach me that way…. I’d love to keep in touch with people, and keep up with everyone. Also… definitely wanting company that much more since I’ll be in bed or on the couch pretty much constantly, which gets boring… though it’s worth it to keep Littlest “cooking” longer, it’s just boring lol. I’ll also be doing a lot of reading, thankfully I went to the library yesterday before all the cramping and other pains started.

I started therapy this morning. My social worker/counselor/therapist and I agreed that it would be better to go without meds for now if possible, we’re doing other types of therapy. Apparently all the ways I work on dealing with everything is good, though she has added some other things for me to do, and is helping remind me to keep doing the ones I am. It’s nice to have a support person. Not that Johnny isn’t supportive, but he’s not a mental health person, and it’s not his responsibility to monitor my mental health or make sure I’m in a good mood. It isn’t my new therapist’s job either, but she is better equipped to assist me in making sure I’m doing so and taking care of myself mentally and emotionally.
We talked about my mental health history, and about my family history with mental illness. We discussed past treatments, what worked and what didn’t (though we only talked about the most recent meds I’ve done, we didn’t get into Wellbutrin, which sent me into rages and severe depression… my cutting began during that time too, though it continued on each time my depression manifested even after I was off of it. I would call cutting like a drug or addiction for me though, it’s just that at the time of being on that med my depression got worse instead.
Once we had all that information we discussed more in depth the way I deal with my depression and anxiety. Lots of baths or reading, finding things to relax me, deep breathing, journaling, blogging, talking to friends or family members, guided imagery. She told me she wants me to do deep breathing a few times a day at least, and that she wants me to keep a thought record – where I keep track of my moods, what put me into the moods, the thoughts going through my head, etc.
I go back in a week and a half to do some follow up. We’ll continue doing this, and I meet the psychiatrist in October. Even if I don’t need meds at that point it would be nice to meet her and get to know her. I’ll likely be on meds after the birth either way, so this way she’ll know me.
There’s been a lot going on, and it was exhausting just starting to go over it so she could get an idea about me and my life… but I know it’s all worth it. The miscarriages, the pregnancy, the health issues, family stuff, Johnny being out of work due to his hip and so on… all of it has just overwhelmed me. I had been doing ok (though not great admittedly) dealing on my own, but the pregnancy (with all the health issues, and things not going how I hoped), as well as everything else this summer, and hormones (linked with the pregnancy, but it’s not jsut the pregnancy, my depression definitely acts up more with my period and such)…. it’s all too much. I’d rather get help now while it’s overwhelming, but not out of control, than wait and have something bad happen…. things just keep getting more out of control for me, so I’m not willing to let that pattern keep going, obviously what I’ve been doing isn’t enough and I need help. I’ve been getting more and more irritable, more and more sad, crying more, my sleep is more interrupted, etc… and yet again, I’m eating like crazy and not managing to gain weight. I hadn’t really remembered that that was an issue when I was in hs (I would sneak food and eat as much as I could) until I was talking this morning about my depression symptoms this time around. Now it dawns on me just how much that was an issue at that point too. I think my lupus plays a big role now too, but I’d say my depression is definitely affecting my weight as well.

I’ve said that about a few things lately, but the big one happened a few hours ago, this afternoon, when neither Johnny or I were feeling well. He leaned his head on my chest and belly while I was standing in front of him leaning towards him. After leaning for a ccouple of minutes he started poking my belly in the area Littlest usually hangs out in and said “Hey, it’s your Daddy, wake up!” I felt some movement, but Johnny couldn’t feel it because it was flutters toward my back, so I think Littlest had his back towards my belly and was moving in the opposite direction of where he could be felt by anyone but me. It was still one of those moments I wish I could have frozen in time.

My OB thinks at least part of my pain, with where it’s been located, may be a cyst. If I remember when I have my ultrasound in a couple of weeks I’ll ask them to let me know if they see any cysts, or any signs that one has popped or anything.
The other thing is that we discussed how to keep me from having another pregnancy, because 1) we have three (human) kids so that’s enough for us (one with us year round, two with us every summer for now, though hopefully eventually we’ll be closer and have them more), and 2) another pregnancy, whether it lasted or not, would obviously not be a good idea for me, mentally, physically or emotionally. Since the hospital my OB works out of (the closest one other than the one in the town we live in – which has no OBs) is a Mercy hospital she can’t perform a tubal litigation there. However at her office she can do this procedure in her office 6 weeks postpartum, and 3 months after that it should be permanent. I can’t tell you how much that eases my mind. It’s not that I don’t want more kids, it’s that this pregnancy, it’s been enough for me without going through it again. And I wouldn’t want to go through even more miscarriages trying to get another pregnancy to stick again… I’m just not strong enough. Plus, as I said, three is a good number for us.
I think I’ve covered everything from yesterday now…..

I had another appointment today. All four (well, five if you count Littlest, though there wasn’t a choice for him lol) of us went. The kids each got to take part in the appointment. We’d decided since they won’t be with us much longer, and won’t be back here again until Littlest is somewhere between 4 and 6 months old, that they should go with us so they could hear the heartbeat.
When my OB came in, once she got set up (she’d done a morning surgery, and was running rounds right before my appt, she had a woman who was at 9cm so she expected a delivery not long after my appointment) she told the kids she needed two helpers. Gamer helped with the doppler, and Duckling got to help hold the measuring tape and measure fundal height, though we aren’t at that point yet for it to be accurate.
We discussed meds, I’m officially changed off the shots and back on 81mg aspirin (though, this change happened after my last appt when I was getting sick and in tears each time we’d do a shot, my peri had said I could go off, but he wanted my OB to give the final word), I’m off my flexiril (which is a relief to all of us, we’d rather I not be on any muscle relaxants), I’m lowering my vicodin dose back down to as infrequent as possible… I’ve had 1/2 today. She was glad to hear that I’m going to go to therapy and a psychiatrist, and told me what meds I can be on if the psych feels they are necessary to stabilize me. Littlest and I will be weaned off of them prior to birth, then I’ll go back on them post birth, because there is a risk of withdrawal in the baby if I stay on them through birth.
We also decided I need to do physical therapy due to my back and leg pain, so we’re adding that to my busy schedule. I should get a call from the physical therapy place tomorrow to set up an appointment. If I still don’t hear from them I’ll be calling my OB’s office again to make sure the referral actually got sent.
My busy schedule now includes WIC (still monthly, they said I could go longer, but we’re still more comfortable tracking my weight with them since they are handling dietary needs and can give me meal ideas); my home nurse (every two weeks for now, it will go back to every week around birth); counseling/therapy – no idea how often yet; physical therapy – no idea how often yet; my perinatologist – depending on this next appointment we’ll see if I go back to him, or just increase OB appointments; my OB – who I see again in four weeks, it will likely go to every two weeks after that appointment…. I think that’s everything pregnancy related, but I’m not entirely sure. So quite a bit going on, especially since my WIC and home nurse appointments fall together when I have WIC appointments, and of course my other (non OB/peri) appointments are likely to be weekly, if not more often. OH!!!! And I have to see my rheumatologist next week, and I’m not sure how closely she’ll want to follow me with the pregnancy since I haven’t managed to see her yet during it. I’m being pushed to get back to her ASAP as my lupus has become worse with the pregnancy. So we shall see what happens as far as my other appointments. And those are just my appointments, that doesn’t include our errands, or Johnny’s appointments, which I go with him to.
I’m glad that such great care is being taken with me and Littlest, but it is definitely getting overwhelming.

My depression is back (I was diagnosed years ago with a chemical imbalance). Also, the breathing issues, some of it seems likely to be asthma, but some of it is definitely anxiety attacks.
There’s a lot going on in our lives right now, some of which I’m not going to go into in great detail on the blog, though I will mention Johnny’s hip is really bad, and he’s had to be out of work. I also have my health stuff all going on still, and a ton of appointments going on for my lupus, pregnancy and mental health. And a lot of stress from all of that plus the other things going on in our lives (getting the kids back to their mom and stepdad’s for school would be a big one right now)….
I had depression in high school, and honestly I’d say it never went away completely, though it has been more manageable. It’s now starting to get to the point I am not able to handle it on my own anymore, I will be starting at a mental health clinic next week, I’ll be seeing a therapist next Wed, and after that (not sure how frequent the appts will be or when I’ll be there next) I’ll be seeing a psychiatrist who works there. I’ll be seeing him to get stabilized, then my appointments will be with a therapist and a nurse (the nurse to follow up on the psych’s suggestions). I want to start getting this taken care of now, and am glad I’m in a place where I can at least do that much. Hopefully this will help keep me from ending up with PPD, or at least we can get the depression going on now under control and continue that after the birth so hopefully there won’t be changes going on with my depression at that point.

So today was a busy day for appts, my inhome nurse came by today (we mainly talk about symptoms and how I’m feeling, do basic monitoring of my health as far as how I’m feeling, and discuss pregnancy and babies, birth and that sort of thing)… I was NOT feeling well. It was a very miserable morning, and I’ve been feeling bad the last few days. We had a good chat, as always (I love this woman, she is fantastic… all four of us – five if you count baby, since she is a regular part of Littlest’s life too – love her), and I woke the kids up so they could see her for a few minutes before she went to her next client. She was concerned enough about how I was feeling, and about my weight, that when she went back to the office (She works out of the health department, which shares offices with WIC) she went and saw my WIC lady and talked to her between appointments and let her know I was having a rough day, and asked for an update when we got my weight. After seeing her and getting the kids breakfast I went back to bed for a couple hours before getting up for lunch and doing things with the kids (it’s been a challenging day with them as well), then went to WIC.
So the great news is that after actually losing weight before my last WIC appt and being put on Ensure 3 weeks ago (I saw my OB the week after the appt at WIC where I was last weighed, and my OB signed the rx form so I could get Ensure with WIC) I have GAINED WEIGHT! I was down to 93 lbs a month ago, and like I said, 3 weeks ago I was put onto Ensure – two bottles per day. Now I am up to 99 1/2 lbs!!! That’s right… in 3 weeks I’ve gained (Drumroll please!) SIX AND A HALF POUNDS!!!!!!! I can’t tell you how happy I was to see/hear this when we weighed me! I was nearly in tears. This is some awesome news that was desperately needed at this point, I’ve been having a hard time with a lot of things, some health related and some not so health related. I’m going to be going to therapy starting in a couple of weeks for that, but in the mean time I needed something to lift my spirits! And of course I had to come do a blog post about it so everyone could share in this wonderful news!

Yesterday the kdis and i had a vehicle to go to the park in, so we did. I also had errands to run. I ended up getting too much sun (though not at the park, it was the errands that did me in) and cauging more of a lupus flare. I also walked too much and am paying for that in my lower back anddown my left leg… today is also the day I’m doi8ng my 24 hour urine collecyion, so Im sticking close to the bed and bathroom.
Pls excuse typos – laying on my side and typing one handed.