My Autoimmune Life

I’ve said that about a few things lately, but the big one happened a few hours ago, this afternoon, when neither Johnny or I were feeling well. He leaned his head on my chest and belly while I was standing in front of him leaning towards him. After leaning for a ccouple of minutes he started poking my belly in the area Littlest usually hangs out in and said “Hey, it’s your Daddy, wake up!” I felt some movement, but Johnny couldn’t feel it because it was flutters toward my back, so I think Littlest had his back towards my belly and was moving in the opposite direction of where he could be felt by anyone but me. It was still one of those moments I wish I could have frozen in time.

So … One of my … jinxes I suppose, one of the things I thought for sure if it happened I’d lose yet another pregnancy, was buying or being given baby clothing or items. A few friends and family members have given us baby things, one a couple of weeks after we found out, the others during my trip to visit family and pick up Duckling and Gamer. I was extremely scared when I got the package in the mail from the one friend, and a bit less scared when I was given the other clothes about two weeks ago. Today I caved and bought a cute outfit on clearance for $3. I’ve got a box of baby clothes going now. We’re still holding out for 12 weeks before we announce to anyone else, and we’re waiting until further than that (probably in the fall) before we really do any baby related shopping or do a registry or anything, but I couldn’t resist that little outfit today! I bought a size 3-6 months since I’m guessing we’re going to get lots of newborn sized clothes right away and it would be good to have a mix of sizes (though so far I have a good mix thankfully) so we don’t get through the first few months, then run out of clothes.

In other news, less than a week until my 25th birthday, and a week and a half (or so) until we announce the pregnancy! I honestly cannot believe we’ve made it this far with the pregnancy! According to the two ultrasounds I’ve had through the pregnancy, which have agreed on where I’m at in the pregnancy, I’m at 10 weeks and 5 days today! This is over twice as long as I’ve ever made it before!!! The longest pregnancy before this was 5 weeks.

So I have decided on a name for my second miscarried angel baby, who I just know (somehow) was a boy, even though the pregnancy wasn’t far enough along for that to be told for sure. I don’t know how I know, I just do. I asked E if he’d like to take part in the naming, but as I expected, he chose not to. We have differing views on miscarriages, especially early ones, so I didn’t think he’d take part, but also didn’t want to leave him out. Since he seems to have decided not to be involved I’ve picked out a name, though if he chooses to get involved before I do my memorial page in my scrapbook the name may change…. as of this time though his name is Benjamin Nicholas. And I doubt that will be changed. I feel a lot more at peace after sharing in an earlier post that I’d known I was pregnant with a boy, and even more at peace now that I have a name. All that’s left for my memorials is to get the things I need to do the pages. I’m not saying this will heal all the pain, but it just seems essential to my grieving process, especially with little Benjamin. So that’s what I’m going to do, whether E wants to be involved or not.